What Is The Measure of A Man, The Measure of A Friend?
For a long time, I wanted to write two articles on The Measure of A Man, and The Measure of A Friend, but after thinking about these topics, I realized these would be the same article.
The worth of a man as a man and the worth of a man as a friend are one and the same. Friendship is often kindled by common interest, but a friend that is truly a friend is one who is loyal to me as a person.
“Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” — John 15:13 NASB 1995
“What is desirable in a man is his kindness, And it is better to be a poor man than a liar.” — Proverbs 19:22 NASB 1995
The word translated as “kindness” in Proverbs 19:22 is defined on BibleHub as “a loving devotion.”
This would seem to indicate that this is a devoted love, not merely a man who is nice, but a man who is there for you when you need him and has your back.
A Conversation With Two Friends
I was walking with two friends recently along the Erie Canal. We were discussing love, Christianity, egoism, and rational self-interest. One of my friends began talking about the many passages in the Bible that talk about caring for other people.
After letting him express his thoughts for a few minutes, I asked if I could jump in. He agreed.
I relayed how C.S. Lewis explained that the highest Christian virtue is not unselfishness, but love. Lewis pointed out that our emphasis has gone from caring about the well-being of other human beings, to going without good things ourselves. The focus has gone from wanting to give love to a friend to centering on a self-righteous asceticism.
When Jesus laid down His life, it was not for a nameless, faceless “others”… Jesus says He laid down His life for a friend. The work of Christ on the Cross was not an act of “unselfishness” as we might believe from Kant’s philosophy, it was an act from the ultimate Self in an infinite expression of ultimate love, and could have been given by no other self than God made human.
Far from being “unselfish,” as if the self performing the act were being tossed aside, the Self, the Identity of the Son of God, the Word made flesh, was of the highest importance in this act of love. The fact that the Word had become human was key. The Word had to take on human identity in order to pay the price of Adam’s sin. Fully God, fully man, God in human flesh became the Last Adam to take on my sin and conquer death itself.
Notice that Jesus did not stay in the tomb as if death and sacrifice were the ultiate goal, He conquered death, and atained the glory that was set before Him.
I explained that Christian Egoism does not mean that you don’t care about other people, it means that you love each of them as a self, as an individual. Christian Egoism means loving your friend as another self, another individual, created in the Image of God.
I asked this friend what would happen if he were in a hospital, and I came to visit him. How would he react if I said I came out of a sense of duty and self-sacrifice, explaining that I was only his friend because I felt sorry for him? I have to be careful with this question, because when I ask this as a strict hypothetical, the other man always gets this look as if I just slapped him across the face. This friend was no exception.
I then asked how he would react if I told him I came because I enjoy spending time with him, because I love him, because I like him, because he adds great value to my life, and I hope to do the same in his. The sentiment of someone who looks forward to spending time with a friend for sheer enjoyment and for entirely “selfish” reasons in the sense of I benefit as a self, and I want him to benefit as a self as well!
A full discussion here about Christianity, altruism vs egoism, rational self-interest, and other related philosophical topics, is well beyond the scope of this article. That said, I am sure that most readers can process what type of friendship resonates here with them the most.
This also relates to Aristotle and friendship, a topic I was discussing with a group of high schoolers in a tutoring group recently. There are different types of friends and different levels of friendship, something that philosophers have spent a lot of time parsing out. But here the focus transitions to the deepest types of friendship that we experience here on this Earth.
Many have commented on the friendship of Spock and Kirk in Star Trek, or Frodo and Samwise in The Lord of The Rings (both the book series and the movies).
Some have mocked the tender and innocent expression between Frodo and Sam. As Tolkien and C.S. Lewis were friends, it seems appropriate to point out what C.S. Lewis said, “Those who cannot conceive Friendship as a substantive love but only as a disguise or elaboration of Eros betray the fact that they have never had a Friend.” Keeping in mind that this is a reflection of the types of friendship seen in the era of World War I, we should not be surprised that there was a lot less concern about such judgements compared to the eras following the Sexual Revolution. Such mockery is more of an admission of the loss of freedom in our “liberated” culture than anything we think we have gained.
Sam walked with Frodo all the way to Mount Doom. He walked with him to the closest thing to Hell on Middle Earth, with a love and a willingness to lay down his life for his world, his freedom, the people and things he cared about… and his friend.
I am all for calling out friends when they are being a bum, but we see a love and grace from Samwise, not as someone acting on some mere duty, but as someone who had grace for a friend, even after his mind had nearly been lost, and after he greatly sinned against Sam.
In all disclaimers, there are times to walk away from friends and from family members. I have had to do this many times. But there is also a time for grace when a genuine friend fails in their role as a friend, as Sam did with Frodo.
The measure of a friend here is illustrated in Samwise. There is no greater love than that of a man willing to lay down his life for his friend. A man who is willing to walk to the edge of Hell and back, but only when the stakes are so high that such a journey becomes justified.
Was Samwise Gamgee motivated by self-sacrifice, or was he motivated by love?
Notice that Sam protected his life to the extent possible while on his mission. He did not seek out opportunities to sacrifice himself, but was brave and willing to risk his life to protect the ring bearer, and his friend. This parallels Jesus’ prayer in the Garden of Gethsemene “if it be possible…” Sam’s goal was to save the world, guard the ring bearer, and protect his friend. Ultimately, Samwise went on to get married, have children, and enjoyed a productive, peaceful, and quiet life, even serving as mayor of the Shire.
And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39 ESV
The goal of Samwise’s actions was love, and the love of life for both himself and the other selves in his life and in Middle Earth. If his goal had been unselfish self-sacrifice, he had quite the number of opportunities to pursue that end. Instead, he chose a life of beauty in the Shire, reflecting in many ways the life of Eden, the birthplace and lost homeland of humanity.
This is what the ultimate measure of a friend is, not one who engages in mere disinterested self-sacrifice, but does not have love, for the mere sake of self-sacrifice. Rather, a friend is one who loves his own soul, his own life, and is building his life, and wants the fruit of the value in and of his life to spill over into mine as well. And this exchange of love and value should be mutual. And, as C.S. Lewis pointed out, friends, unlike lovers, are able to exchange even more value when joined by a third man, who brings out even more from a friend than I could have on my own.
And this is the selfish loss, the tears shed at a funeral. Of a Christian friend, a man who has gone to be with Christ, and who is experiencing eternal joy with Christ. And yet here I am behind, no longer able to add value to my friend’s life, or experience new value from him for mine. Not until I join him with Christ as well. As short as the separation between now and the final resurrection is in light of eternity, the loss can feel so great in the short term as to justify mourning and involuntary tears — symbols of honor and respect for the value that has been lost in a world cursed by the fruit of sin.
Real friendship is no act of mere disinterested charity. It’s an act of love that should be connected with joy at its finding and great sadness at its loss.
In another illustration from fiction. The final episode of Star Trek Voyager depicted a human character visiting a Vulcan friend in a mental institution. The Vulcan friend had lost his rational faculties and could no longer offer value to the life of his friend. Yet she still visited him every week in honor of his wisdom, character, and friendship, and the value in their lives they had brought to one another. She was not visiting random patients in the hospital (as kind as that might have been), she was visiting her friend. She was visiting Tuvok.
This is egoism, as properly defined. The focus is on the individual as the center of value. It is not a surface-level potato chip narcissism, nor is it an irrational sacrifice for the sake of sacrifice for a nameless faceless “others.” Christian Egoism is about the love of the individual, created in the image of God. Friendship is the extension of that love. A man ought to seek to be an image bearer and act in the capacity of that character, and this is what enables him to have the value to extend to another man as a friend.
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I am also seeking help for a friend who is in need of medical attention, but cannot afford the procedures. If you can extend a hand to help with even a small amount, I would be very grateful.
